PEOPLE-PLEASING SERIES - PART II

PART II - HOW TO STOP PEOPLE-PLEASING WITHOUT FEELING LIKE A JERK

BY: DR. RACHEL WHITE LMFT

Last week, we explored what people-pleasing looks like and why it’s more than just being “too nice.” If you found yourself nodding along, you're already doing the work—awareness is the first step. Now let’s dive into the “how.” How do you stop people-pleasing without wrecking your relationships, feeling selfish, or spiraling into guilt?

Let’s start with a powerful truth: saying “no” doesn’t make you a bad person—it makes you a person with limits. One effective strategy is the Pause and Check-In. When you feel that urge to say “yes,” take a brief pause. Ask yourself: Do I really want to do this? Am I acting from obligation or desire? Even a 10-second pause gives your brain space to respond instead of react. Research in Cognitive and Behavioral Practice shows that self-reflective techniques like this increase assertiveness and reduce anxiety over time.

Next up: boundary-setting with kindness. You don’t have to become cold or distant to set a boundary. Try this formula: “I’d love to help, but I’m at capacity right now.” Or, “I care about this, and I also need to take care of myself.” You’re still showing care—just not at your own expense. One study from The Journal of Counseling Psychology found that individuals who practiced boundary-setting scripts for just four weeks experienced a significant decrease in stress-related symptoms.

Another powerful practice? Identifying your internal “why.” Many people-pleasers feel torn because they value connection. That’s not wrong—it’s beautiful. But ask yourself: Am I trying to connect—or avoid disconnection? Real connection comes from authenticity, not appeasement. Start journaling or talking with a therapist about your deeper values and needs. The more anchored you are in your “why,” the less likely you are to lose yourself in others.

Finally, expect discomfort—and keep going. Guilt, fear, or second-guessing often spike when people start asserting themselves. That’s normal. It’s not a sign you’re doing it wrong; it’s a sign you’re doing something new. With time and support, that discomfort will fade, replaced by confidence, clarity, and healthier relationships.

Want personalized help breaking free from people-pleasing patterns? Our therapists at Restoration Psychological Servicesare here to walk with you. We offer a wide range of specialties and clinicians at various rates, with daytime, evening, and weekend sessions available. You don’t have to do this alone—schedule today and take your next step toward healthier boundaries and a stronger sense of self. Click here to schedule.

Stay tuned for Part 3 next week: How People-Pleasing Impacts Relationships—and What Healthy Connection Actually Looks Like.