CONTEMPT: The Silent Relationship Killer

By: Dr. Rachel White LMFT

In Dr. John Gottman’s decades of relationship research, one predictor of divorce stands above the rest: contempt. Often subtle at first, contempt is more than just frustration or disagreement—it’s a toxic mix of anger and disgust that communicates I’m better than you. According to Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” model, contempt is the single strongest predictor of relationship breakdown, even more damaging than criticism, defensiveness, or stonewalling. Couples who engage in contemptuous behaviors have lower relationship satisfaction, weaker intimacy, and, according to The American Journal of Public Health, even higher rates of physical health issues due to chronic stress.

Contempt shows up in many ways—eye rolls, mocking tone, name-calling, or sarcasm designed to belittle. It’s not just disagreement; it’s degradation. Gottman’s research shows that contempt erodes respect and trust, making it almost impossible for partners to feel safe, heard, or valued. Over time, the emotional distance it creates can feel irreversible. Contempt doesn’t just hurt the person it’s aimed at; it poisons the entire relational climate, making repair conversations much harder.

Wondering if contempt might be showing up in your relationship? Here are five signs to look for:

1. You use sarcasm to make a point at your partner’s expense.

2. You find yourself frequently rolling your eyes or sighing when they speak.

3. You mentally label your partner as lazy, selfish, or incompetent—without considering their perspective.

4. You mock or mimic your partner’s words or voice in an argument.

5. You often feel a sense of superiority or moral high ground in disagreements.

These behaviors don’t just create emotional hurt—they have measurable physiological effects. Studies have found that partners on the receiving end of contempt show increased cortisol (the stress hormone) and decreased immune function, making the damage more than just emotional. In couples with children, contempt between parents has also been linked to higher anxiety and behavioral issues in kids, as they absorb and model relational patterns.

The good news? Contempt can be replaced with curiosity and appreciation—but it requires intentional effort. Gottman’s antidote to contempt is building a culture of respect and gratitude. This means actively expressing appreciation for your partner’s efforts, even in small ways, and practicing empathy during conflict. Therapy can help couples identify the triggers that lead to contempt and develop healthier communication habits that foster connection instead of disconnection.

At Restoration Psychological Services, our therapists are Marriage and Family Therapists and trained in Gottman Method interventions and other evidence-based approaches to help couples repair trust, rebuild respect, and communicate effectively. We offer a range of specialties, rates, and scheduling options—including daytime, evening, and weekend availability—so you can access the support you need.

If you’ve noticed contempt creeping into your relationship, schedule with a therapist at Restoration Psychological Services today. You don’t have to let unspoken resentment grow—there is a path back to connection.